Hello and welcome to a few days in my life.
It’s 6:30 am but I haven’t adjusted to daylight savings and was up since 6. Here’s to journaling at a weird hour.
Today I’m reading my supervisor a recommendation that I wrote for myself. I wrote a pretty bland letter at first, and then my family told me that I need to spruce it up. The finished product was full of compliments that I had to give myself. The thought of reading this braggadocious letter out loud to him makes me wonder how it will be received. I’m also wondering how coherent I’ll be with this little sleep for my two therapy clients. I’ll do my best. It will be a busy Monday.
Lately on Sunday evenings, I’ve been really sad. At first I blamed it on leaving my boyfriend (we see each other only about once every two weeks) but then I realized that I felt it even after I left my grandparents’ house. I generally like my job and friends make school fun, so I know that’s not the problem.
One part of me may have been mourning the loss of rest, or maybe the loss of being surrounded by love, corny as that sounds. When I’m with my boyfriend, or at my grandparents’ house, I feel far less stressed.
I don’t know how to carry that attitude with me into the rest of the week.
In unrelated news, my family recently had transportation problems. I will drive my stepdad’s car today. Because my old car had its catalytic converter stolen, we need a new mode of transportation. This new car has many requirements. It must be a plug in car. It must have a high clearance, so I can lock it behind our gate, away from catalytic converter thieves.
I have been trying to become a car girl, I really have, but after an hour or two of research, I came up with my own criteria:
1. Must have four wheels
2. Must not kill me
Update: it’s a busy day at practicum. Of note is that my supervisor brought me into the office himself during one of his own therapy sessions because he thinks I know a lot about Autism. It’s what I want to specialize in. I do have the criteria memorized, so I rattled those off and explained each. I also gave the patient a referral to the appropriate testing site and explained why testing might be beneficial.
My supervisor gave me a really nice compliment, saying that he thought I did a really good job explaining the criteria. He then dictated me a letter of rec. He didn’t like the one I wrote– too wordy– but told me to add that I have excellent character, which he said is the most important. This was a big compliment as well. He said that all of the other stuff (my knowledge of neuropsych, for example) may come through in an interview and what matters most is my character.
After practicum, I came to the gym.
I was supposed to pick up my brother, but he didn’t answer, and I had a continuity care session later tonight, so finally I was like “I need my workout, take it or leave it”.
However, it was worth it just to come to this gym. I was expecting a big crowd on Monday, but instead it’s just me and many nice machines. Better yet, my fellow gym goers seem hellbent on the cardio machines, which means that I may be able to snag a squat rack on a Monday. That could be a world record, let me tell you. It was a great time.
Good morning again, although it’s almost noon. I’m at the gym. I’m on the stairmaster, writing again. There were car troubles early this morning. It is no easy feat, sharing one car between three people. I offered to use the bus system, even knowing how finicky it is, because I don’t like feeling indebted to anyone.
The elephant in the room today is my alcohol/substance abuse essay due tonight at midnight that I’m only half way through. The midterm for that class is due tomorrow night and I haven’t started it. I have been so overwhelmed with mock comps and dissertation that this other class stuff has taken a back seat. I’m not normally the type to do these things last minute. During my continuity care session last night, the essay was on my mind.
My goal is to finish the rest of the essay before I leave this gym area, which gives me a few hours.
I was thinking about how I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed, and why I do it. My brain is providing the following commentary, on loop:
“What if you don’t get chosen for the UCLA autism site?”
“What if you don’t finish this assignment and then you don’t pass the class and then you graduate late?”
I’m jumping to the worst case scenario, and a middle ground (“I WILL graduate– maybe not with perfect grades, but I WILL graduate”) is more realistic.
However, the real reason that I continue to have these thoughts is because I think they’re the reason I’ve made it this far. In a way, my anxiety is useful because it helps me plan ahead and keeps me from failing.
My best friend is also motivated by the fear of failure. She stays ahead of everything. For example, this essay that I’m finishing today? She submitted it last night. Whereas for these particular assignments, for the first time in my recent memory, I’ll be submitting right at the deadline.
Victorious update: it’s 10:44 pm and I’m in bed. I’m happy to report that I turned in the paper at 3 pm today, well before midnight. I also got the midterm done today and I really enjoyed it. My paper ended up being 11 pages. Whether it’s anxiety that motivated me to get it done, or my genuine love for the subject, I’m just happy everything is in. Until next time ♥️